Wrox United - a potted history

Wrox United were formed 13 years ago by a group of keen footballers in Birmingham UK, whose passion for the game went a bit further than they intended. During their amateur days their greatest strength was their keenness, where training was never missed, games were eagerly attended by friends and fans, and they had to hunt around for pitches to play on. Their team kit was a mismatch of jerseys and shorts obtained over the years, and they inevitably ended up looking like a team of harlequins dressed in rags.

Despite their lack of money, and lack of success on the pitch, their keenness never lessened, and they were fortunate to one day be seen by international playboy and philanthropist Jim Minatel. Impressed by their "never say die" attitude he poured money into the club, purchased land for a pitch, build a modest stadium, and gradually yanked their appeal up to an acceptable level. Their results could still only be described kindly as poor, but Jim was undeterred.

Over the years they've become a bit of a celebrity team, attracting star players who pop in and out on a frequent basis. They have a core team, still mostly amateur, and the stars allow the odd weekend off for regulars to cut the grass or wash the car. Their history is still one of poor performances, but the odd hint at success keeps them keen; they always manage a draw against Manchester United. Unfortunately they also always lose horribly to the Dagenham Cub Scouts second 11 – a team with an average age of 13, and that only because they are generally one player short and a parent has to step in.

Staff

Recently their spirit has been lifted by the appointment of their very own holistic faith healer, who goes by the name of Frog. She's convinced the team that wearing large lumps of odd crystals around their necks during games will help, although referees seem to take a strong dislike to being wacked by rough rocks when players collide with them. The FA also recently took a strong stand against her desire to feng-shui the pitch; they didn't approve of both goals being next to each other, despite the positive energy Frog said that would generate.

Although Frog seems a bit unorthodox, she's nothing compared to Brian Hermann, the team chef. He's always dreaming up wonderful recipes to provide boundless energy for the players before a match. He was enthused by the recent use of the training ground by the American national team, so provided hot dogs for weeks on end. Nothing else, just hot dogs. Of course, he once did point and laugh out loud as his best friend choked on a hot dog. The medics didn't find it so funny, but his friend survived. The offending hot dog had to be put down.

The weekly exploits of the club are found in the match program, produced each week by Dan Maharry, all round writer, broadcaster and intellectual. He always knows what's going on as he's the match commentator, and spends hours tinkering away at the sound desk trying to get the best possible quality. Occasionally when games get a bit dull, he wanders off into a daze and over the tannoy is heard a quiet whistful "hmm, shiny". No one knows what this means and he refuses to tell us.

The Fan Base

Wrox United fans are fanatical, there's no doubt about that. Why this is so has yet to be answered, but there seems to be an unswerving loyalty and devotion. Maybe it's the attitude of always siding with the loser, or maybe it's just that everyone involved in the club is so darn nice; it's like an extended family, with regular parties every week. Even if they never win, having a good time is still a fundamental belief of all involved.

Roving Reporters

Because of this loyalty, four of the fans cover all of the matches, supplying reports from home and away. These people are:

• Chris Hart, one of the rare women supporters of the club. She's been involved since she was a baby, when her father used to play, and despite her youth is one of the longest serving members. She can't really work out why she's involved as she doesn't really like football that much.
• John Kauffman is the strangest person to be a fan and reporter, being an American. This puts him at a huge disadvantage since he doesn't really understand the rules, despite the many times they've been explained to him. This lends his reports a certain charm, generally having an air of bemusement about them.
• Dave Sussman only joined the club a few years ago as a mistake. He'd been to a party and late one night found the web site. In an alcohol fueled haze he mistakenly thought he was on Amazon so ordered a CD and DVD. This turned out to be the club song (which sounds oddly like an upbeat presentation of Mozart’s Requiem, but did reach number 476 in the British pop charts!), and movies of the team's most famous games. Intrigued he went to a few games, and it's been downhill ever since.
• Chris Ullman has the honor of having membership number 1. He played for the team and was one of the original line up, but had to retire due to a leg injury caused by an accident involving a shopping trolley and a Llama. And why he was carrying an egg whisk has never been answered.

The Mascot

The team mascot is a three-legged dog, blind in one eye, with an ear bitten off and a bad case of the mange. He answers to the name of ‘Lucky’ . Despite his faults we all love him.